I''m Still Here!

I'm still here on this crazy blue planet with all it's wonderful characters. I've been out of touch with blogging and am eager to get reconnected with all my blogger friends.

I'm enjoying being at Roberta's and she's had plenty of work to keep me busy. I will be having another knee surgery; hopefully right after I move into my own place at the end of the month. It's very discouraging to have to go through another surgery and recovery, but Iwill be sober and I hope my recovery will be quick.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

Living Archetypes

I've written a lot about my interest in astrology here at Eclectic Recovery. My slow, steady, study of astrology is how myth came alive in my imagination and myth taught me about archetypal forces much larger than myself acting in and through me. Getting past the typical western mindset about astrology was the entrance into an infinite world of possibilities; possibilities like grabbing the coattails of an archetype I'd never considered before, or deciding to manifest different attributes of the same overriding energy. The manifestation of an archetype allows an unlimited variety of choices in how to respond. The energy can always be lifted.

Alcoholic/Addict is an archetype I have manifested most of my life. Addict is a universal archetype and everyone manifests it in different areas and to different degrees. It's quite unfortunately been a life-defining archetype for me and one I sunk into for long periods of time, trying desperately to find my way out and failing in motivation and commitment to making sobriety the number one priority in my life. And now I see clearly that I can move away from this archetype with one simple rule in my life: don't drink. It is the simplest of equations, a mere non-action. I can use my common sense, intuition and imagination to feel what archetypes call to me and how to encourage those energies within. The simple pleasures I feel around the earth, cooking, writing and my spiritual practice point to the archetypes of creatress, earth helper, friend, sister, and full active being as the ones that will guide me into the next phase of life, years which have the potential to be the richest ones yet.

In the past couple of months, the overriding archetypes in my life have been sobrietist, worker, lover, victim and novice gardener (my favorite). I was also visited by an archetype: Kali, destroyer goddess. And while she wasn't exactly invited, I'm going to need her in the coming months. She tore through my body like an all-consuming fire and left me trembling in awe. I have to do something I'm not looking forward to. I'm taking the owner of the motel to court. I don't want to write much about it and have taken other posts about that experience down temporarily, but this is something I feel I need to do and I am scared to freakin' death to do it! The only comfort I get is when I let go of the outcome and continue to focus on my spiritual path. I am not only responding to an infinitely creative universe, I am participating with it, and to be honest, I don't want to let it down. So while it may seem petty to some, or un-spiritual to others, I think we just have to fight for what is right from where we find ourselves - not where we wish we were.

I've gotten much good advice and many different viewpoints and I have considered the options. And I doubt, and I doubt, and I doubt, and still I will do it. I'm compelled to do it. Not only for me, but for the next person, you know? We don't serve each other by allowing someone to take advantage. We only make it possible for them to continue to do so and it's usually those with the least resources that are hurt. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of that.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Rain and Mist and Magick

Tiptoeing around the house since 4:30 am so as not to wake Roberta. It is rainy and windy and Montana has obviously not been informed that summer is officially here. I am mostly settled in to my new space and I have to admit that for a homeless person, I ain't doing so badly.

As lucky and wealthy as I am I see it everywhere: the injustice. The same old scenario that we humans have been acting out for centuries - I must have more than you. I will have more than you. You are less than me. It makes me weary; I romanticize alcohol because when I drink I don't have to think about it anymore. But alcohol has become too painful an escape, as painful for those who love me as it is for me. As I remain sober, I must face these injustices. I must travel through the murky water to find the sparkling pool of clarity and then the courage to act on it. I must not bury my head in the bottle, or the boyfriend, or the chocolate cake . Too easy.

For those unable to face themselves, hard times are coming. Well, actually, they're here, aren't they? And in the meantime I play catch up as fast as I can because I don't know how I know, or why I know, or why it took me so long to know - but I know I have a role to play and more than anything in the world I want to play it consciously. I follow the good energy and I know it won't lead me astray.

I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion on my knee this morning and I look forward to the drive along the west shore of Flathead Lake in the rain and mist and magick. Have you taken time to look at the earth lately? To feel her trees and splash in her water and thank her for the life she provides for us? I believe she's had quite enough of our torture. Be sure and show her some real love today.

From Emmanuel's Book

Trust life, my friends.

However far afield

life seems to take you,

this trip is necessary.

Summer Solstice

The summer solstice is this weekend and it's also my father's birthday. Happy Birthday, Dad!

My medicine wheel journey will move to a new direction, south, on the solstice. I made some notes a while back about what I thought I would focus on during the south time, but damned if I know where they are or even what they were! It doesn't matter. I'm not running this show anyway. I'll spend some time in p & m (prayer and meditation) this week and it will come to me. I absolutely love following the seasons with my recovery.

A friend of mine is having a "burning" ceremony on Saturday and I can't think of a better way to celebrate being back in Polson and letting go of all the negativity I've endured in the past weeks. We have such a beautiful community there and I return with fresh eyes, grateful for all that it offers. And longing for a bit of peace - a respite, a healing space, love, nurturance. It's all there. It's all within me. It's all within you.

Your world is a place of the bending of the Light. But the light must be there or you have no world at all. ~ from Emmanuel's Book

Clarification and Knee Magic

Thanks to everyone who's left responses to my last post. Especially you, Miss Olivia. Who says O stands for Oprah??

I'm afraid I allowed my love of drama in writing to influence the language of my last post. I wrote: I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Well, I'm not really homeless. The other part? The broke and no health insurance part? That's true, but so are a lot of other people and at this time, in our country, starting at $0 may not be such a bad place. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family and friends in Georgia and my community in Polson. You can't buy that with all the $$ in the world.

In the meantime, I've got some standing up to do. Finally. Some standing up for myelf, declaring my place in this crazy world and then letting it all go. Do ya'll get that's how it works? You have to be willing to let it all go. Good thing I've got lots of practice!!

I hasn't escaped my notice that in my recovery each time I come back to my intention for the first direction of the medicine wheel, the East, which is self-care, the universe moves into motion for me. I committed to not drinking and to focusing on my physical health and my physical health, with my knee, is playing a huge part in this hilarious samsara. Source - he/she/it really does have a sense of humor.

Goddess Rock

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

Tomorrow I will have four months without alcohol. The job at the Sunrise Vista Inn is over and I am beginning packing to move. I am going to have to have a re-do on my knee surgery of last year. I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing. In and out. In. And. Out.

Universe, I am wide awake and at your service.

Earth Religion

I'm finding that as long as I keep in close connection with the earth, I'll be okay. I'm beginning to see the benefits of this job in an entirely new way. It's been unusually slow to really warm up here and it shows in the business. I've had a guest here and there, but I've had plenty of time to keep playing in the dirt, become acquainted with the most incredible rock that lives in my front yard (which you see to the left), plant flowers and vegetables and generally immerse myelf in earth energy.

I'm thinking of composting. It may be a little adventurous for a complete novice, but I'm just playing anyway. I think that's what we're supposed to do. I like the composting metaphor for life: Rotten, decaying material, given just the right sun and water and oxygen to be transformed into rich, moist fertilizer that renews the earth and her plants. I feel myself composting - allowing nature to alchemize all the negativity and neuroses and okay, if you want, character defects, into the very essence of all life. And all I have to do is allow it - play in a way that nourishes the earth and all her inhabitants. Remember my purpose and stay out of the negative dramas that others are going through as much as possible without totally disengaging. I see my own shadow and she still wants to play, but I find I'm really not interested. It's so bright and beautiful in the light.

Distracting Wind

The weather has turned cool again and it's a bitter wind blowing. My bones are cold. I feel I am so far behind in this game of life; I have so much catching up to do.

Distractions. Drama. I have a limited amount of energy. Where do I want to spend it?

No guests at the Inn. No human ones anyway.

New Moon in Taurus Intentions

As part of my medicine wheel journey, I am setting intentions at each new moon and following up on them at the full moon. The New Moon in Taurus was exact last night, which is why I give myself three days on either side of the new and full moons to fulfill my contract. I like being aware of the moon's phase and sign so I'm pretty good at keeping close to when the aspects are almost exact. The aspect of the new moon is a conjunction of the moon and sun, when they occupy the same space on the eclicptic from earth's view. The full moon is when they are opposite each other (180 degrees apart) on the eclipitic, when that old full moon magic comes alive.

One of the websites I find invaluable in tracking the moon's phases and signs, and to read great articles on the new and full moons each month is Mooncircles. Here is an excerpt from an article by Jean Linson Hall on last night's new moon:

The Moon, the Mother of all, is exalted in Taurus: it is here in the Fixed Earth sign that her birthing, nourishing and sustaining activity can work to greatest effect. Taurus describes our primary experience of the material world through the senses. Think of the way a baby discovers its own body as separate from that of the mother and learns what brings pleasure and what brings discomfort or pain. A child who, in this phase of development, is physically nourished, affirmed, comforted and soothed will learn self-care, self-affirmation, and self-soothing - essential skills for a healthy and fulfilled life. These Taurean experiences provide the basis for a stable, embodied sense of self and a confidence in the reliability of one's perceptions of the world. As the Sun and Moon meet in this sign each year, we can renew or repair our connection to the senses, our joy in the body, our sense of proportion and our trust in the physical world. Venus teaches not only the proper appreciation and care of the body but also the soulfulness of stuff and the spirituality of everyday existence. Proper attention to her rituals helps assure that our big projects will serve the Earth rather than exploit and harm it.

Perhaps you already have your own Taurean rituals: gardening, painting, singing, writing poetry, hanging out laundry, baking bread. Even more fundamental is the care and adornment of one's own body. If you feel tired and stressed, it would not be impious to organize your New Moon meditation around a restorative bath!

From this foundation of love, imagine the things you hope to create in the coming year. Commit yourself to doing your small but significant part in the renewal of the world. Ask the Earth for support and the heavens for continued inspiration. Picture the first steps you will take. At the end of your meditation, do one thing - make a sketch, a schedule, a phone call — to launch your project into tangible existence.

Tonight, all the moving, and packing, and painting, and stress is stopping. My intentions for this new moon are:

1) Maintain the self-care routines I've begun in the past month; i.e., exercise, nutrition, downtime, etc. beginning with a new moon bath meditation/ritual tonight.

2) Focus on getting to know my new job and doing it well.

3) Continue LSR Safe, AA meeting attendance and sign up with Flathead County CD.

I've posted a vision board before. Here is one I made while in the hospital:

And here is one I made Wednesday evening:

I love doing vision boards and will have to do a post on them soon. I've decided to make a vision board for each of the four directions on the medicine wheel. The one above is East, which is where I am now through Summer Solstice.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful dark of the moon.

Spring Sobriety

This was the view at sunrise yesterday morning. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Polson. I'll only be 40 miles north, but in Montana you learn quickly that you're a long way from anywhere. That's why we like it.

I was up early to meet Brent in Lakeside and paint a couple of the rooms in the house where I'm moving. It's one of those houses where you don't realize how much needs to be done until you start doing it. We painted the bedroom and laundry room and Sunday we're painting the kitchen. There's a new piece of carpet coming in and new linoleum in the kitchen and laundry. Still, it's kinda old and kinda funky, and I think I'm going to love it.

The little side yard actually gets sun almost all day. I already have my veggie, edible flower and herb list to purchase seeds so I can get them planted as soon as I'm moved in. Brent is going to make some planter boxes and there are tons of containers already at the place. The yard is really sloped so planting directly into the soil would be difficult. I am so looking forward to growing some of my own food! I've never grown much besides a few herbs, flowers and plants so it's going to be a new adventure. I'm even trying to talk Brent into some laying hens so we can have fresh organic eggs. If he goes for that, a goat for goat's milk is next.

I want to tell ya'll a funny story. Brent and I were taking a break from painting yesterday and we saw a woman, a rather middle-aged, rather frumpy plump lass walking down the sidewalk with a stack of neatly folded towels in her arms. She was working at another hotel in town and Brent said, "Oh, look honey, there you are." referring to my new position which will indeed include laundering, folding and delivering towels. Immediately my comforting visions of myself as the inn-keeper, the gracious hostess, the person who really makes a place special, the organic gardener, came crashing down around my head. Dripping sarcasm, I said, "Thanks, Brent. I was trying to color that a little differently." We met eyes for a moment and both started laughing out loud. The second thoughts I'd been having all morning, thoughts about the conditon of the place, how much really needs to be done in the house, the work, the learning curve (I don't make a perfect bed!) - just poof, disappeared. Suddenly it didn't matter that I've never run an inn, or cleaned professionally, or worked in a hotel because I know I'm going in with very few, if any, illusions. I'm up for it. I think I'm really up for it. I'm also marking this post so I can return to it in the middle of July when I haven't had a break for god knows when and I want to drop in a heap, so I can remind myself that I was really, really up for it!


Sobriety makes the whole world possible.

Thoughts at 63 Days

The main thought that I'm having at 63 days of sobriety is that I'm so very grateful to be alive and not drinking. It's been a very hard-won decision for me, to finally admit that I have to give up the alcohol. Most days I just can't figure out what took me so long and then I decide that I don't care as long as I am sober NOW.

I'm slightly overwhelmed at everything that has to happen in the next two weeks, but I am plodding along, making slow, steady progress. All of the change is good change, but you know what they say. It's still stressful. And it is. So I'm remaining as focused on my self-care as I possibly can. Between errands, I worked out and tonight I'm going to make a nice dinner and relax. I'm going to miss the Wednesday night AA meeting that I've been going to but I will definitely go next week and probably this Friday as well. I want to invite everyone to visit me in Lakeside!

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting Brent at the Inn and we're going to paint one of the rooms and do some other pre-moving preparations. Have I mentioned how really incredible this guy is being? A year and a half after first meeting, we have fallen deeply in love. He's a rock. He's passionate, sexy, a little bit crazy and flamboyantly creative. Hey, everybody's gotta be a little eccentric don't you think? When I was drinking heavily, I couldn't see Brent, and he couldn't see me. Well, let me just tell you, we've got eyes now. I am very, very surprised! And absolutely, positively delighted!

So I'll be working in Lakeside all day tomorrow and Friday morning I have an appointment with my therapist and an appointment to get my windshield fixed - which is about two years overdue! At least! Oh, and don't forget the bleeping taxes. Good lord, who has time to do anything?

Oh. And I bought a new computer! Which I will have when I move and I am so looking forward to getting back up to speed. In all possible ways. Be well.

Full Moon in Libra

I've done well with following through on the intentions I set at the new moon. As part of my time in the East, from the spring equinox to the summer solstice, I have been practicing very, very good self-care habits. I exercise several times a week (okay, usually 3), sauna 3-4 times a week, I'm eating whole, healthy, organic as much as possible - lots of fruits and vegetables (okay, and some chocolate), I'm allowing myself to rest as much and as often as I need to and I'm taking long frothy baths and shopping with friends and painting my toenails fire-engine red and okay, better stop right there.

But the most important thing, the main thing, priority #1, is I'm staying sober.

It's a good thing I've given myself this time because it's all going to change very soon. Like immediately! I obtained a job managing a little hotel in Lakeside, MT called the Sunrise Vista Inn. The name is something of a joke because it's really the owner's house that now constitutes what once was a very sweet view of Flathead Lake. Now you get to watch the sunrise over the rooftop of his gigantic house! The job starts May 1st. It looks like I will move the weekend before that - which is only two weeks away!

I can't begin to express how excited I am about this and how grateful I feel for the opportunity. The job runs from May-September and comes with a rent-free house all year round for the manager. Um, that would be me. The next two weeks will be a whirlwind of packing and moving and I groan now to think of it. But I hope that once I'm in there will be a breathing period before the busy months of July and August.

Also, this puts a serious kink in my outside treatment plans. I know I will continue to see a therapist, but I'll have to get a new one in the county where I'm moving. I don't think I can do any additional groups or other therapy. I'll be lucky to get to the occasional AA meeting. I am not going into any fear over this, but I want to stay very aware of the choices I'm making and monitor how well I'm responding to those choices. And of course how everyone around me is responding as well! My commitment to sobriety is stronger than ever.

I feel an affinity with nature that grounds me to the earth and tells me that she needs healing as much as I. I want to grow a few simple clean vegetables and live simply, working hard and enjoying the fruits of my labor. I want to cultivate peace and good will and cooperation. My heart is a repository. Of course, there is always that batshit thing I could do. Sober, of course.

It's a Health Crisis

It's helping me a lot to view alcoholism as a health crisis. Nothing less. And nothing more. When I went through treatment in 1988 I was provided a good education on the physical consequences of alcohol and drug abuse. I was 27 years old and despite many years of heavy cocaine and alcohol abuse, I was still in good health and my desire to live was strong. I had been attending some 12 step meetings prior to treatment, but I remember finding the program very confusing and as they say, I just didn't "get it". However, after going through treatment I got that alcoholism and drug addiction were killers and that I was quick headed to an early grave if I didn't stop. I became extremely motivated to stay sober in order to live a healthier happier life and I became willing to do whatever it took to ensure my sobriety.

In the six years that I remained sober following treatment, I fully regained my physical health. But there's a catch. My mental, spiritual and emotional health did not follow suit. It wasn't anything you could actually see from the outside; I wasn't batshit crazy or anything, but I ignored many an inner urging regarding the program that had been promoted to me as the cure for my problem. News Flash! Quick way to acting batshit crazy on the outside: ignore inner urgings. To be perfectly honest, it didn't bother me enough at the time to make a big deal of it. I was sober and I knew I was doing all the right things to stay that way.

But it brings up the AA concept of "attraction vs. promotion". What AA means by this is that they will be available if you have want of their help, but they will not promote themselves. It's a great organizational tradition. Here is the long form:

11.) Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think A.A. ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as A.A. members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us.

However, my experience was that AA was heavily promoted to me and I think that's not entirely AA's fault - the treatment industry became AA's new best friend and found a way to make a lot of money with a ready-made program. It was easy; a no-brainer. Send everyone to AA; if they don't grasp the program, well, it's probably their fault.

The tradition above seems in stark contrast to the one below, which states:

5.) Each group has but one primary purpose-to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

I just saw a television advertisement for AA not two days ago. I could possibly see this as "attraction vs. promotion" if it weren't for the fact that virtually everyone on the planet knows what and who AA is and how to find them. So I have to wonder why expensive televison adverstising would be considered "attraction." Carrying a message sounds distinctly like promotion and I certainly felt it had been promoted to me at the treatment facility in 1988.

It's the same type of discrepancy that bugs me about the steps as a solution. Even if you don't want to call alcoholism a disease, no one can deny that it constitutes a major health crisis. I think for some the crisis may be primarily mental, for others physical and still for others spiritual. But every aspect of life is involved in the manifestation of the problem. AA focuses fully and entirely on the spiritual aspect. Maybe for those people whose primary manifestation is spiritual, AA works very well and for others the primary manifestation is physical, or mental (depression/anxiety) and the focus on overcoming resentment and anger, identifying character defects and making amends, is not all that helpful to a person who doesn't feel extreme resentment or anger and who is all too aware of her "defects of character". I don't want it to sound like I've never dealt with these emotions. Of course, we all have. But they just weren't my primary, or even secondary, emotions. The negative emotions that plague me are guilt and self-recrimination; much more inner than outer directed emotions. I suppose it could be argued that they are flip sides of the same coin, but it seems an important distinction in my own epxerience.

This all makes perfect sense to me. Which could mean a number of things, from I'm on to something here to I'm completely delusional. I guess we'll all just have to stay tuned.

A Community

I'd like to introduce some of you to each other and talk a little bit about the face to face community here in the semi-wildlands of NW Montana, USA (funny, I don't feel so ashamed of claiming that anymore - the USA part), very close to the no-doubt-about-it-sure-enough wildlands of grizzly bear and spotted trout and mountain, where a few of us choose to live and create our lives.

My friend, Claudia, and I went to see another friend of ours from AA yesterday. Zelda is a little spitfire who got sober 2 years ago and now lies wasting in a bed, cancer ravaging her tiny body. Zelda is not old, she's maybe in her mid-50's, but her life has been hard and it shows. Her eyes are piercing blue-white and they are not fading with her body; if anything, they are brightening. I'm not as close to Zelda as Claudia, not really a part of the AA inner circle, and I was uncomfortable about going. And I'm not sure if she wanted me there or not. But I'm glad I went. I think if I were in that bed I would be very happy to have Zelda visit me.

Claudia and my friend, Julie, aka Alley Grazer have always been giving of their time, their love, their homes and food and friendship. We have watched each other's children grow, animals and parents die and we have watched many of us battle cancer, and we gather around each other when we need to which is often. How could I have ever thought alcohol could replace this?

Claudia will have a book published next year and the entire community is looking forward to a huge celebration! Last year, we celebrated Jennifer Graf-Groneberg's book, Roadmap to Holland. Jennifer, Claudia and I are in a writer's group that's been meeting once a month for over three years. It was a thrilling experience to be involved with both Jennifer and Claudia through the process of writing their respective books. Wouldn't you know? Both books are geard towards helping others!

I've written more than once about my friend, and now employer, Roberta, and the effect she's had on my life. Everyone needs a role model and man did I ever choose a good one. Roberta serves as matriarch/mentor/counselor to a lot of women in our community. Working and playing in the beautiful space she's created is an ever-expanding delight.

These women form the inner circle of my life in Montana, along with Brent of course. And if that weren't great enough I have another circle of friends and support on the other side of the country. People with whom I share deep history from the deep south. I'll be writing more about all of them as I continue on my sober journey. Affection and pride in our community of human beings sits well with my heart tonight.

The Sober Kitchen

I've recently reacquainted myself with The Sober Kitchen: Recipes and Advice for a Lifetime of Sobriety, by Liz Scott. The Sober Kitchen is not only a great coookbook - it's a great recovery tool. Liz is a professional chef and a recovering alcoholic and she speaks candidly about the daunting prospect of abandoning her career to protect her sobriety. Luckily for us, she decided to create a context in which her sobriety and her love for cooking, and sharing healthy and nourshing food, fit together hand in glove. Everything following in italics is a direct quote from the book.

I also know that developing healthy eating habits and attempting a new lifestyle are goals that need to be attained through small and significant steps if they are to have any long-term impact. Changes in diet cannot and should not be thrust upon us, particularly as some magical solution to our addiction. We all know there is no quick-fix dietary answer to getting and staying sober and enjoying the recipes from this book will not guarantee your sobriety. What I am hoping is that you will discover how including good food in the recovery process may play a significant and often overlooked part in its success and, at the very least, help to make the ups and downs of the journey a bit easier to understand and accept.

We are often told that being proud of our recovery is an important part of our progress, but being proud implies that we shouldn't feel ashamed of our disease. Too many of us are compelled to make up socially acceptable reasons why we no longer drink rather than admit to the reality of our illness. Maybe having a cookbook and eating guide that addresses the specific issues we face will convince us , as well as the rest of the world, that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

Liz divides the cookbook into three phases of recovery:

Phase One - Saving Your Life and Staying Sober includes beverages, snacks and sweets, soup and easy dinner solutions. During this early stage of recovery, which lasts anywhere from six months to a year and a half, there is only one real objective and that is to not drink.

Phase Two - Getting Comfortable and Feeding Your Inner Child has breakfast and brunch recipes, comfort food, side dishes and desserts. By Phase Two, what has changed is nearly everything! Cravings are fewer and farther between. Time away from home to attend programs or meetings has lessened. We're hopefully feeling a lot more confident and healthier by having removed alcohol from our lives and are discovering the satisfying and happy life of sobriety. This isn't to say that we feel great every day of the week, but it does get better.

Phase Three - Enhancing Your Health and Becoming a Sober Gourmet showcases salads, vegetarian cooking, food as medicine and sober makeovers of classic recipes. By Phase Three, generally reached by the third or fourth year of sobriety; we have come to an important point in our recovery when, more often than not, life is good, physical and mental health is greatly improved, and we are easily able to face the trials of life without reaching for a chemical substance to get us through them.

Exploring this cookbook has been so much fun and every recipe I've tried has been great! I'll post a few here in the coming weeks starting with the one below. This rediscovered tool fits in perfectly with my East work on the medicine wheel and the self-care I'm implementing. I would recommend this cookbook/recovery tool to anyone.

The Road to Recovery Trail Mix

Simply combine all the ingredients in a canister or zipper-lock bag and toss well. Store any bags of unused nuts and seeds in the fridge or freezer to retain freshness.

2 cups roasted soybeans

1 cup shelled pumpkin seeds

1 cup shelled sunflower seeds

1 cup dried banana chips

1/2 cup honey roasted peanuts

1/2 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips

Makes 12 1/2 cup servings.

New Moon in Aries

Once a month the moon goes through her dark phase, also called the New Moon. This occurs when the moon and sun are conjunct on the ecliptic. When they are so joined, there is no light from which the moon can reflect and so she appears dark in the sky. As the two bodies slowly begin to pull away from each other, she once again begins to reflect the sun's light, in a sliver of a crescent at first, gradually, each night building light on her surface until she rides full and round in the night sky. Today the moon is conjunct the sun in the traditional astrological sign of Aries, heralder of spring, new beginnings and awakening life. In the northern hemisphere of course.

This morning there is a skiff of snow on the valley floor, the sky is clear and blue and the Swan Range in the distance across the lake is proud and stunning. It's cold, but the sun is beginning to carry warmth here and the days will continue to lengthen until they last 18 hours. Dawn and evening will stretch on and on like the taffy of the gods, creating more of those in-between times like twilight and dusk and slow morning; more time for the human soul to integrate the lessons of the earth mother, more time to celebrate the life we have here, more time to heed the call.

It's an auspicious time to begin a medicine wheel journey. Because the medicine wheel is a cosomos-viewer created by indigenous peoples in different parts of the world, there are different meanings for the directions, different animal totems, different lessons to be learned, different tools with which to manifest spirit. Which means of course that it's up to the individual to intuitively decide where to begin, what processes to use and how long to spend with each direction.

I've decided that my initial journey around the wheel will begin now, in the spring, in the east. I will journey once around the wheel in the coming year, seasonally and with the rhythms of the moon. The element of the east is air where the power of the mind comes to bear on the creative forces alive in the universe and begins to work in harmony with the elemental muses. I will use my time in the east, which will last until the summer solstice in June, to begin to heal my body from its various abuses by practicing extreme self-care and to prepare for the remainder of the journey.

I will post more about how I'm going about this as I go about it, but for now I've decided to continue my exercise program and hopefully notch it up a bit as well as adding weekly saunas to the routine. My dear friend and employer, Roberta, has a FAR infrared sauna that is available to me almost any time. I've used the sauna, but not in any disciplined way and not with much intent behind it. That's going to change and I intend to sweat. A lot. Sweat is purifying and I want to assist my body with the healing that good old-fashioned sweat can provide. I will rest, as long and as often as I need to. When I can afford extras, I will do them: massage and yoga come immediately to mind.

This seems like a good time to say that I'm up for any and all suggestions about how to implement better self-care. I know nutrition will play a huge part for me.

Another thing I'm going to do is use the new and full moons to write out intentions each month and follow-up with how I'm doing on them. I've done this before, but once again not in a disciplined or meaningful way. My intentions for this cycle are:

1. Stay sober
2. Sweat 5-6 times a week whether through exercise or sauna.
3. Continue with my outside treatment protocol which includes group and individual
therapy, medication management (for depression and anxiety which continue to
show up), relapse prevention, AA attendance and LSR e-mail list participation.

The Medicine Wheel

The Medicine Wheel is an ancient healing/living modality created by Native American and other indigenous peoples throughout the world. It's a way of moving through life which is closely infromed by our connection to the earth; earth as mother, nurturer, healer. Earth as home and hearth. Earth now as victim who requires our assistance and cooperation to help her return to balance. I believe recovery is dependent on this connection and on our willingness to begin to treat the Earth, and ourselves, with respect.

Our physical bodies are part of earth, part of this dense matter, but our spirit - through our consciousness - is not, and exploring that frontier is also part of the Medicine Wheel. Freedom of consciousness is encouraged through intention, ritual and celebration. Acquiring even a small amount of freedom of consciousness requires some level of purification and so purification is also part of the Medicine Wheel.

The Medicine Wheel is a circular and organic process wherein each direction offers specific lessons that bring about balance, joy in living, respect for self and others, understanding and growth. Many of the processes I've previously explored and continue to explore: archetypes, meditation, ritual, mindfulness, self-examination, tarot, astrology and writing have their place within the wheel. The Medicine Wheel is a framework with tremendous room for individual expression and the freedom to customize what is chosen to place within that framework.

Of course, the most important thing about the Medicine Wheel for me is that I'm attracted to it. One of the principles of AA is that it is based on attraction rather than promotion, but in my experience AA was, and continues to be, promoted as the best if not the only way to recover from addiction. It wasn't intended to be that way, but the treatment industry (I think especially here in the west, but I'm not sure about that) basically grabbed onto the 12 steps and for years made it the only available option. When other programs began to spring up, they were mostly secular in nature, touting the rational road to recovery and these programs work well for many people. But the spiritual aspect of AA is not what bothers me at all. I want my recovery to inform my spirituality and vice versa so the secular programs left me feeling like something was missing as well.

I'm excited about exploring this framework here at Eclectic Recovery.

I'd like to apologize to anyone in AA that I offended with my last post. Many AA members in my face to face community and in the blogging community have been really wonderful to me and I'm afraid it sounded a lot like I don't appreciate it. I do. Very much.

I still feel very conflicted about AA and probably what I should've said was that AA feels the same to me in many ways as the Baptist church did. I'm starting to gain some understanding of why this is, but it's still very much in process and I'm not ready to write anymore about it further at this time.

In the meantime, my commitment to sobriety is strong and right now I feel good with what I'm doing to support and encourage that commitment. Between therapy, getting signed up with the local cd center - which happens next week, finally! - , work, exercise, friends, Brent, writer's group and whatever else comes up I'm managing to stay just busy enough and still have time to give much consideration to the changes that are taking place within me. I don't have much money, but I have time to focus, time to rest and prepare myself good food, time to write, time to pray, even time to do absolutely nothing.

I'm also doing some interesting reading which I will post about more in the coming days. I hope you'll keep coming back. Pun fully intended.

Thoughts on Day 33

I've been sober 33 days. I have once again been visited by the grace that makes it possible for me to not only stay sober, but to enjoy myself and feel a great sense of gratitude that I have another opportunity to live. I worry about the future, of course. With my history of sobriety and relapse, there's no way not to and I've once again come to the realization that sobriety is the only foundation on which to build my life. It's been a difficult 33 days in many ways, but it hasn't been difficult to avoid the drink; I really don't want it, but I'm pretty sure the day will come when I do.

I'm putting together a plan so that when that day comes, I will hopefully get through it to see another sober day. Here's my relapse prevention plan to date:

Before I decide to drink, I will:

Call someone sober. (I actually have names and phone numbers here.)
Go to an AA meeting.
Post on LSR list.
Optional calls: more names and numbers.
Write here.
Check what seems to be working and what doesn't.
Go to someone's house.

I want to say a few words here about AA. I said in a recent post that I'd reopened my heart to the value of AA, and I have. It's not lost on me the value of a large group of people gathering together for a common purpose - to stay sober. I think it would be pretty stupid of me at this point to not take advantage of every means available to support my sobriety. But I have no more intention of getting a sponsor, or working the 12 steps, or immersing myself in the AA lifestyle than I have of going back to the Baptist church and expecting Jesus to save me from myself - and yes, I think they are very close to the same thing.

I was disturbed by a post I read recently in which the writer, a long-time sober member of AA, was railing about people that attend AA and don't do it exactly the way it says to do it in the Big Book. She even diagnosed all the rest of us that don't get sober through AA as not real alcoholics and this is not the first time I have heard this drivel. As a matter of fact, it is common enough in AA meetings as is the notion that if anyone veers from the structured program, not only are they hurting themselves but they could actually kill someone else with their ignorance should they speak this blasphemy aloud. I don't know. What happened to sharing experience, strength and hope? It seems more like judgementalism and condmenation to me. When I see a woman (and it's usually women and minorities, ever wonder why that is?) that comes in and out of AA, I don't automatically think, "Well I wonder what's wrong with her. I wonder why she can't get it. Poor sot." I think, "I wonder if a different set of steps or a different approach might be the key to recovery for this person."

I will continue to attend AA for now, while I feel I need it, on the basis of the third tradition which states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I've long thought the traditions were more brilliant than the steps and I'm grateful for that third one because until the existing paradigm shifts, AA is still the only game in town for support meetings. Things are changing, they're just changing very slowly. In order to be part of that change, I need to be sober. There are too many people who give up (I know, I was one) because there are too few choices and too little tolerance in the choices that are available. Giving up is no longer an option.

Tarot Thursday on Wednesday

I'm starting an in-depth study of the tarot. I've had my own cards for a few years, but the cards don't work if the student is not spiritually centered and I haven't exactly been spiritually centered for awhile. I've been amazed at how differently the cards are speaking to me now that I am sober and committed to staying that way. The Univerise is opening itself in so many ways and I am humbled and awed.

So, Elena at Lunar Musings is doing a tarot study group and what she has done is wonderful and gorgeous! I am so looking forward to going through the cards this way. Elena has a strong intuitive grasp of the cards, is able to write about them in a clear and easy-to-understand way and has done an incredible job with setting up this project. Look at the right-hand page of her blog to see the link to Tarot Thursday. I had trouble downloading the badge, but will try again later.

In the meantime, I've been spending quite a bit of time with the cards and have begun journaling with them. Yesterday I chose one major arcana card and one minor arcana card to spend a few days with - these are my two cards:

The Chariot: Adversity, possibly already overcome. Conflicting influences. Turmoil. Vengeance. Success. Possibly a voyage or journey. Escape. Rushing to a decision. Need to pay attention to details. Urgency to gain control of one's emotions.

Queen of Wands: A sympathetic and understanding person. Friendly. Loving. Chaste. Practical. Charm and grace. Gracious hostess. Sincere interest in others.

One really interesting thing about these two cards is that the figure in each card is the exact same figure - only one is a man and one is a woman.

Adversity. Possibly already overcome. Success. Conflucting influences. Friendly, loving, practical.

Let me say now that I'm terrible about keeping up with a project where I need to post weekly. This week I have a friend visiting from out of town and will probably be away from the computer for a few days. So when I feel the cards have something to say about my recovery, I will post about it here, but up front I'm not going to try and post every Thursday. However, I did want to post about it and link to it because Elena has done such a beautiful job and I think it's going to be a fantastic learning process and a great addition to my recovery work.

Hands

It is a Monday evening and I've been sober 25 days. Each day is a challenge and I find myself wishing I hadn't waited so long to stop drinking again. Looking back, it doesn't seem like I had that much choice, but I know I did. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about it and I think it's actually an energy I can use to sustain my sobriety. I forgot that for me the most important thing, the first thing and sometimes the only thing, is to not drink. When you have alcoholism, sobriety is sobriety and everything else is everything else. I forgot that for a long time.

I seem to be getting back to my right mind. I'm glad there are meetings to attend, e-mail lists to particpate in and blogs to read. I'm grateful for all the hands that are reaching out for me.

FEAR

My fear is a great and dark beast who visits my dreams and stalks my waking hours. I fear many things: death, disease, old age, losing people I love, failure, success, poverty, riches, the past, the future. I try to hide from the beast like a child playing hide-and-seek who thinks he has finally found the one place in all the world where no one can find him. Then he realizes that everyone has stopped looking for him and he is alone and terrified in his hidey-spot, just he and the beast. His frustration grow as he realizes there is no hiding from that which lives inside. So he begins to run as fast and as hard as he can, run like the wind, run like there is no tomorrow, run for your life. Soon his lttle legs are like putty and his lungs can't keep enough air to sustain his flight and he falls exhausted in a heap. He covers his eyes and when he finally gathers the courage to peek through his fingers, the beast is there - calmly waiting, eyelids slowly blinking with patience that knows no bounds, no space, no time. However long it takes the beast will wait. The boy begins to look into those eyes, huge liquid things that suck him in like quicksand. They are his own eyes, a mirror into the unseen depths of that which is he. As he slowly gives himself over to the beast's gaze a wondrous thing happens. The fear dissipates and is replaced by a great joy. Warmth enfolds his being as he is filled with love and a sense of homecoming, of protection and safety. How can this be, he wonders. Is it possible that all the beast ever wanted was his attention, that his acknowledgement was the key to transformation? Still, the boy is exhausted. He falls into a deep and peaceful sleep and when he awakes he thinks he is alone until he realizes that he has a new friend living inside him. And he is not afraid.

Intense Pressure

This term, intense pressure, is the best description I've come up with thus far to describe the past few months of my life. I have felt an increasing sense of urgency to DECIDE NOW! how I will live the next 20 years of my life. Making decisions at 47 years of age is a world away from making them at 27 or 37.

I'm in a somewhat precarious situation here in Montana - 2000 miles away from family and life-time friends. There is a business in Georgia that I could run if I decided to go back and my inability to find full-time employment here is creating a lot of financial stress. I have been considering moving in with Brent and attending the college in Kalispell, but I don't think I'm ready to live with him, or anyone.

What I'm realizing is that I can't make any of these decisions while I'm still feeling the intense pressure to DECIDE!. What I can do is stay sober one day at a time and do what is in front of me to do today. The time will come when the decisions are to be made and I can trust that when that time arrives, I will be ready.

In the meantime, there are chores to do and days to live, free of the burden of alcohol and fully participating in my own life and the lives of those I love.

Day 16

I "enrolled" at the chemical dependency center yesterday. Enrollment consisted of several questionnaires, most asking the same questions in different ways, about my alcohol and drug use. It was a difficult, but necessary exercise that put me into quite a funk. My assessment is scheduled for March 25th. I knew it would be a wait, but I didn't think it would be an entire month. I found myself thinking that by then I probably won't need the treatment and then I thought, "Are you crazy!!??!! You've been fighting this thing for 30 years! Do whatever you need to do now to ensure long-term sobriety!" That's the insidious nature of alcoholism. It warps your thinking.

We had a late winter blizzard to blow in. It snowed over a foot in 24 hours and the wind-blown snow created very low visibility and literally blasted your face as soon as you went outside. I went to work for two hours, shoveled 7-8 inches off the steps, and by the time I left, you could hardly tell they'd been touched. I was covered in snow every time I got in and out of my car and was soaked until I could get home and change. One of the things I love about living here so much is the snow, but I have to say that this wasn't fun snow. It sure will be great on top of the mountain this weekend, though.

Today is a therapy appointment, a little work, a work-out and an AA meeting. I'm actively participating on the LSR list again and it's been so helpful. Also, a friend of mine sent me this link for the Buddhist Recovery Network. It's a beautiful site with great information. I'm not Buddhist; my spirituality is eclectic, just like my recovery, but I've found many Buddhist practices helpful in my life - especially vipassana (insight or mindfulness) meditation, which I'm managing to do for about 5 minutes at a time right now. Not much, but it's a start.

Just got a phone call from my co-worker and agreed to baby-sit her three toddlers while she and her husband see a movie. Okay. It's official. I have lost my mind. That's okay as long as I don't drink. Thanks for visiting.

Gathering Allies

I'm lucky I haven't alienated everyone that could be a recovery ally for me. I know a lot of people abandoned this blog because it became more of a "how can I continue to drink" blog than a recovery blog and I don't blame them. While it's obvious that many of my methods were ill-advised and clearly not working, I think it was a process I needed to go through. At any rate, it is a process that I did go through and I am now at a point where I'm thoroughly convinced that drinking at all will not work for me. For a long, long time drinking continued to offer me some relief from the ups and downs of everyday life. Now I find myself longing for just a sense of normalcy - for just that everyday life that I've been running from. Since November, not only has drinking stopped working, it has made everything exponentially worse. My confidence plummeted, I felt abandoned by the sense of grace that had infused the 35 days I did remain sober and the depression/anxiety quickly became unbearable.

So I'm gathering recovery allies around me, my kalyana mittas, my spiritual friends. With their guidance and assistance, I am bound to succeed.

Kalyana Mitta

Kalyana Mitta is a word in the Pali language meaning "spiritual friend." One of the Buddha's disciples once said to him: "It seems, venerable sir, that half the holy life is having good spiritual friends." The Buddha replied: "In fact, the whole of the holy life is having good spiritual friends."

Day 8

Thank you so much for your comments and prayers. I so appreciate the people I've befriended through the blogging community.

I won't be able to get into the treatment center right away, and possibly not at all. But I'm sure I'll do some out-patient treatment if that doesn't work out. I wish I could get things moving faster but for now I just have to stay sober and wait and see how things develop. I have an appointment on Thursday to enroll at the chemical dependency center here. After that, I will be scheduled for an assessment and it will be decided whether in-pateint or out-patient is more appropriate.

In the meantime I have been attending AA meetings and sticking close to my sober friends. I find my heart re-opening to the value of AA even though I still have a difficult time with some aspects of it. I have a very good friend who has had me over to dinner twice this week and is checking in with me daily. Also, my friend, Pam, from Georgia is keeping in close touch and may even be coming back out for another visit soon. I've rejoined the LSR Safe e-mail list where I also have many friends and support. Both of my employers are understanding and are willing to work with me through this and my family is always a source of great love and compassion. I really have everything I need to begin this journey and 8 days is a good start.

Hopefully, this blog will improve right along with me.

Use a Feather

I went on a little trip last weekend. An unplanned, undesired but voluntary trip to a nearby psych ward/detox. Despite my best efforts, my depression continued to worsen, my mind spiraling downward like water through a drain, being sucked by forces I could no longer control and making a midnight swim in Flathead Lake in the middle of winter seem like a better and better idea. I don't think I would ever do that. But the thoughts were there, like comfort food - macaroni & cheese and chocolate cake for the unbearable quality of my feelings. So I checked myself in last Thursday in an act of fear and desperation borne of the delusion I've been living under for years. I'm sure I have many delusions, but I'm talking about the big one, the alcohol one, the one I've been writing about here, the one I thought I could handle, control, abate or just learn to live with.

I want to tell you something about the people in a psych ward. The majority of them are people just like you and me; people who at one time were living their lives more or less successfully, peoople who finally reached an impasse they couldn't manuever alone. People who had lost or were losing spouses, people who had lost jobs, people who had one domino fall and sat helplessly or fought valiantly to keep the rest from crashing down on them. Good people.

I wanted out within 24 hours. Oh yes, I'm sure I can handle it now, I'm sure I'll be okay, I'm sure I won't dive right back into a bottle of vodka. I stayed until Monday and by then I was realizing my mistake. I had sought means of moderation where none existed. I had thought that because I didn't drink and drive or drink at work or drink a pint of vodka a night like I used to, I was making progress. I had willingly embraced concepts that aren't true for me: you can analyze this thing away, you can get to the core of it and heal it, you can drink normally, you can, you can, you can. All the while drinking, drinking, drinking.

Grace had re-entered my life last November when I went 35 days without drinking. But I couldn't sustain it; it slipped from my grasp like a slippery fish from a mountain stream, splashing back into the water and swimming away from me, becoming a tiny speck in the cool green, and then gone. I've been sober since I got out, but I'm not under the illusion anymore. I'm not kidding myself that I can sustain it without further help and so I'm going for it. I will go for further treatment. I will go to AA meetings. I will re-join LSR. I will follow doctor's orders. I will use every means at my disposal to get sober and stay that way before there's nothing left of me. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow where I hope to obtain a referral to a state-run chemical dependency facility that I've heard good things about. A place where I can rest, re-educate myself about this thing I live with, and re-gain the strength I need to keep ahold of that grace when it comes calling. And if I feel the need to beat myself up about it all, I will use a feather.